The greatest fanfic Ever!
by LytningStryk
Summary: Meet Jack Harkness' daughter! Contains Janto. OC. Not mine!
1. Chapter 1

– –

One day, the team were sitting around in the hub, doing whatever it was that they did when they weren't on a mission. This wasn't very much. Tosh was none to secretly playing World of Warcraft- she really wanted to get her Elf character to level 53- thinking about how much her love life sucked. Owen was also playing World of Warcraft, but not if you asked him, and thinking about how much he hated being an irrationally, medically impossible zombie, since he couldn't get laid. Gwen was doodling 'Gwen Harkness' as well as little rainbows and puppy dogs all over a folder, while thinking of ways she could save everyone in the wide whole world, and make their lives better. And ways she could get into Jack's pants.

Ianto was busy getting into Jack's pants, and Jack was busy being fucked in the archives. Neither one of them was thinking about much of anything.

Janet was having a deep philosophical discussion with the weevil who was a temporary resident in the next cell, about the merits of playing dumb around humans, and allowing oneself to be kept permanently in said cells. The other weevil seemed to think it made her some kind of pet, but Janet retorted that they didn't expect anything of her because they thought she was stupid, and being feed raw ground beef daily was much better than trying to catch food in the sewers. In the cells was also warm, dry, and did not smell of shit, so where was the downside?

Myfanwy was swooping overhead, trying to see if there were any bits of food for the thieving, and wondering how long it would take the fandom to realise 'she' was in fact a male pteranodon, not a female pterodactyl.

It was such e perfectly quiet day, in fact that something was bound to happen quite soon. This is a Torchwood, after all.

It was just as Ianto was coming upstairs to make some after sex coffee, feeling very well pleased with himself. He'd made Jack scream, and beg, and do a whole lot of other things that, according to Jack, Jack never did. And Jack had promised to return the favour.

That was when the hub filled with a sudden- _and most atrociously, unnecessarily loud,_ Ianto thought- whirring noise. And then a blue police telephone box materialised nest to Tosh, making her yelp with surprise, and also completely botch the battle she was currently involved in, killing her character.

Ianto paused to stare, unamused, at what he knew was the TARDIS. The TARDIS meant the appearance of the Doctor was imminent, and he did not care for the Doctor. That Time Lord had conspired to, and very nearly succeeded in, breaking up he and Jack. Not to mention getting Jack tortured by his (the Doctor's) ex-boyfriend, _and_ calling him wrong. As far as Ianto was concerned, the only person who ever got to say the word 'wrong' to Jack was him, and then in the context of 'no Jack, I'm right, and YOU are wrong.' That was a right he reserved as current boyfriend. The Doctor had lost that privilege when he became Jack's ex-boyfriend. It occurred to Ianto suddenly that there really were a lot of ex-boyfriends involved in this mess.

Soon enough, the door of the TARDIS creaked open- creaked loudly and ostentatiously, as if begging for attention- to reveal … not the Doctor. Rather, a tall, perfectly tanned girl, with perfect, sparkling teeth, big breast and a small waist, sparkling clear blue eyes and long, waist length blonde hair.

"Liek, ZOMFG,' the girl said, "this is like sooooooo cooooollll!"

She twirled in a neat little circle, taking in her surrounding, pausing when she saw Ianto. "U R hawt."

Ianto raised his eyebrows in dignified, confused disbelief.

"OMG, you are hawt two!!11" she shouted, catching sight of Tosh. She noticed Gwen and Owen as well not long after, "U r all hawt!"

"Well, I'm sure we're all very pleased know you think so," Ianto said, as his colleges stared in confusion, "Miss …."

"My name is Amber Luna Star'Fire Moonbeam."

Ianto's eye brows fell, "Right, Miss Amber Luna Star'Fire Moonbeam," he replied. "Who are you, exactly?"

"I m Ambre Luna Star'Fier Moonbeam!" she shouted.

Unnoticed by then, the Doctor had exited the TARDIS as well, and heaved an exaggerated sigh, slumping his shoulders dramatically. "That's about all I can get out of her, really. That and the endless insistence that I absolutely must take her to see Jack Harkness. No why, mind, just the demand. Didn't want to do it, you know, but honestly she wouldn't let up! And, well, you know how people who talk too much are, eventually, you'll do just about anything to get them to stop! And she didn't really seem harmful, just excitable."

"Indeed," Ianto said, dryly. He regarded Amber, who was squealing in excitement over the shoulder of a bemused Tosh.

"I'm, uh, I'm creating a more accurate remote rift monitoring system, with greater security as well so … "

'LOL XD!!!!" Amber interrupted.

"Shall I go and get Jack, than?" Ianto asked no one in particular.

"Please mate," Owen said, "and some coffee would be nice as well, yeah?"

Ianto ignored Owen's constant demand for coffee, setting off instead for the archives, where he planned to disappoint a very horny Jack. And he wasn't, ah, _disappointed _himself, as the moment he got into the room they were using as a sex den (it had a very nice bed with posh sheets that Jack had bought in the corner), he was shoved face first against a wall by a very aroused Jack Harkness.

"You took too long," Jack muttered, nibbling Ianto's earlobe, "I almost got tired of waiting and came after you."

"Jack …" Ianto began, delicately.

"No!" came Jack's forceful reply, "We haven't been getting enough alone time lately, you said so yourself, and you promised me this morning we'd shag each other stupid in the archives, no interruptions let the others deal with the rift. And no paperwork, you need a break."

"Jack."

Jack's grip loosened a bit on Ianto's arms, and became more of a soft embrace, the kind that Ianto would melt into under normal circumstances. "We can just snuggle in bed, a bit save round three for latter, if you like."

"It's not that Jack," Ianto said, turning in his arms but not pushing him away.

"Hey, where's the coffee?"

"Can you focus for a moment on something that's not coffee or sex?"

Jack seemed to ponder this a moment. "No," he answered.

"The Doctor is upstairs, along with a girl who meets the description 'Dumb Blond' better than anyone I've ever met. She wants you."

Jack was dumbfounded, "You came to tell me that the Doctor and a random blond _want_ me?"

"Yes," Ianto replied, "I know you won't try anything."

"And how do you know that, Mr Jones?" Jack leered.

Ianto smirked, "Because you enjoy the privilege or fucking me far too much, sir."

"Speaking of fucking you …"

"No," Ianto deadpanned.

"Please? Please, please, please," Jack whined.

"No," Ianto said.

"But Yanyans, I wuv you," Jack said, in a childish voice, "And I'm hard."

"Jack," Ianto said carefully, "One, yan yans are a kind of Japanese snack food, which you should know, as Tosh brings them in sometimes, and you've _eaten_ them … "

"I eat you, too."

Ianto ignored him and continued, "Two, if you're trying to get into my pants, the best way is not, as you well know, to say 'I wuv you, yanyans', in a baby voice. It's demeaning, insulting, and makes you look like an idiot."

Jack decided to play dirty then, the bastard, he always played dirty. He pressed his body back against Ianto's, resting his hands on Ianto's hips lightly, and leaned in close to Ianto's ear. "Is this better?" he asked, before biting his earlobe.

Ianto shuddered, realizing he'd lost. "A quickie," ha muttered.

"Oh, but that's no fun," Jack answered, as he licked his way down Ianto's neck, "They can wait. You're much more important."

– –

About the only conscious thought that Owen Harper had experienced in the past fifteen minutes was 'Tits ….'

Well, that wasn't really very fair to him, as he'd also thought 'Boobs' a few times and 'Oh why the fuck is it that I don't meet a girl with tits like this until after I'm the fucking dead weevil king?'

Suffice it to say, however, that he had not stopped staring at that girl … oh what the hell was her name? Something long and annoying. Anyway, he hadn't sopped staring at her since she got their, because those were the mos perfect, huge tits he had ever seen. And her shirt was too small. And she wasn't wearing a bra. It was probably the most amazing day he'd had since dying. In fact, he was so intent on staring at her rack, that it took him a moment to notice when it's owner had moved, and was in fact, standing in front of him.

"Hai," said Amerb Luna Straw'berries Moonbeam.

"Hello," said Owen, "I'm Doctor Owen Harper, I don't think we met. I'm the team medical specialist."

'' wow~! U are a Dr.!! Tha is soo cooolll!"

"Thank you," Owen smirked. Well, if he couldn't shag her, he could at leas keep her over here, talking to him and giving him a front row seat for staring at her knockers.

"I am a Drocter Too!!!!" Ambre Lima Srar'fier Moosebeam said, flippping her hair sexily, "I was the youngster Doctrine to evah graduate fro Harvard Law!"

Owen nodded, his head beginning to hurt from the inane prattle the girl was spouting. Even if he wasn't actually listening. He thought for a moment, then said, "So would you like a … tour of my medical facilities?"

"OMG!1 hat wood be soo AWESOME!"

"Yeah," Owen muttered, taking her arm and leading her in the proper direction.

":This is so ecsiteing!"

"But you know there's a lot of, _delicate_ equipment in here, so we have to be really quiet, no talking at all, right?"

"OF corse. I no how 2 be quiet," replied Amber Lina Strad'ivarius Moodbean.

"That is wonderful," Owen smirked. Damn it, if his cock still worked, he would _marry_ this girl. After buying ear plugs, of course.

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDX

It was nearly a full half hour before Ianto and jack made their reappearance, Ianto sporting that 'just shagged' glow, and Jack grinning rather obnoxiously at the back of his head.

And that wasn't the only thing that Ianto was sporting, Gwen noticed.

"Um, you might want to look at your neck," she said to Ianto.

"Hmm?" Ianto raised his eyebrows before realizing what she meant and flushing crimson. To his credit, he recovered quickly, saying, "Wish you had one as well, Gwen?"

Jack decided to but in, "What're you talking about?"

"You left a mark, Jack," Gwen said, "Letting the Doctor know what's yours?"

"Yep," Jack grinned.

"Once more, Jack, I think we need to discuss things like boundaries, and sexual harassment," Ianto said in a long-suffering tone.

"There is no sexual harassment policy in Torchwood," Tosh said, waling over to them. "And that's a good thing, too, or else Jack would be in jail."

"Hey!"

"So, where is the Doctor and our …" Ianto searched for the proper word, "guest?"

"The Doctor got tired of waiting and went back aboard the TARDIS, saying he needed some tea," Tosh supplied.

"And Owen is given Amber a 'tour' of the medical bay," Gwen finished.

Ianto wondered how Owen managed to always think with his cock, even after it was dead.

"Well, I suppose I'll go and get them, then?" Ianto asked, turning towards the medical bay.

Too late, apparently, as there was a sudden, ear splitting shriek, as Amber came into the room, catching site of Jack.

"DADDY!!!!!" she cried, wrapping her arms tightly around a very bemused Jack Harkness.


	2. Chapter 2

– –

Ianto gave Jack a LOOK. One that clearly said 'I have no ides what is going on, but I know one thing, you are going to explain in to me, now.' That he could say so much, so clearly with just a look was a testament to how very talented his eyebrows were.

"Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, sweetie," he said to the blond who was clinging to his middle with a death grip, "but I'm not you're dad. Never seen you before in my life, actually."

The girl suddenly let go, staring at Jack with huge, watery eyes. "U, u, you …. U don'rt remmeber me?" She cried.

"Sorry?" said Jack.

"You can actually be sure of that, with how many people you shag?" Owen, who had followed Amber out of the medical bay, asked, snorting at the impossibility.

"I'll have you know that I keep track of all of my children, thank you Owen," Jack replied huffily.

"All of your children, sir?" Ianto arched one perfect eyebrow, this time with the simple message 'We will be discussing this later.'

"Well, as old as I am, it'd be impossible for me _not_ to have any kids," Jack said.

"You mean as many people as you shag, it's impossible" Owen snarked.

"Should I perhaps be concerned with how obsessed you apparently are with Jack's sex life, Owen?" Ianto asked.

Before anyone could reply, the far too loud, unnecessarily showy sound of the TARDIS door opening cut through their conversation once more.

"What are we all talking about?" asked the Doctor?

Amber finally removed her hands from covering her face, to sob, "HE dosn't remember me!"

"She says she's my daughter," Jack said.

"You're sure she isn't?" asked the Doctor, "I can see a family resemblance. You've got the same teeth, and the same eyes."

"Family resemblance!" Jack shouted, "We look nothing alike. And why is it everyone thinks I go around getting people pregnant?"

"You're a bit promiscuous Jack," Gwen said, gently, as only Gwen could manage to sound gentle when saying something so potentially insulting.

"No," Jack muttered, "I shag a lot, there is a difference."

Amber decided to make herself heard then, saying, "Don;t u think I would know who my own father iz?"

"Why don't you tell us what's going on, sweet heart?" Gwen said.

"My name is Amber Luna Strar'fire Moonbean," she said. Ianto could not help but roll his eyes at that. How many times was she going to say her name? "I wuz born on the world of Star'fire, wher i am a royel princess. My mother was the Qween of Star' was very beatiful, and pretty, with looong blond hair that went all the way down too he feet, and very pale skin/ She always said that I looked liek my father, but she never said who is was that was my father was since he laft when I was a baby while my mother was pregnant with me."

Ianto tried to wrap his head around that statement. Tried and failed. It utterly defied logic. He noticed Jack frowning, Tosh looking very bemused, Gwen looking sympathetically at Amber, throwing occasional glares at Jack. The Doctor hardly appeared to be listening at all.

"my mother said that my father was a good man," Amber went on, " and he had not realized that my mother was pregnabnt when he ledt. She wus I love wit him but he did not love he,so he went back 2 the time agencey where he came from. Even thought I wuz a princess, I wasn't all stuck up[ and prussy like princesses in storey books, you know? I was always...."

Tosh was getting a headache from listening. She had the odest feeling that if everything that Amber was saying were written down, it would be misspelled and contain copious amounts of chat speak. If she kept up listening, she was afraid she would go insane, so she began to think about programing. Java script, she would think about Java script.

It wasn't working, and she nearly swore aloud. Then, she had a flash of genius, and began to mentally recited the alphabet in binary code. **01000001, 01000010, 01000011, 01000100, 01000101, 01000111, 01001000, 01001001, 01001010 … **

Ah, that was much better.

" … Iceland. Then Ilearned how 2 do the most deadly karatie in the universe, I even mastered the vulcan neck punch. Then I became the youngest preson to evah graduat from harvard law branch of star'fire wit a medical degree at fiteen. I m eighteen now, an I spend three years beign a relly famous doctor an stuff. I wuz relly good, and I even found the cure to the Blue Shadow Virus it wuz relly easy. "

"But my story iz nut all hppy."

Gwen was feeling very sympathetic towards Amber, ans listening with rapt attention to her story. It reminded her so of her own perfect childhood, and now, her perfect life as a police officer turned super-secret agent, lusted over by the most gorgeous man in the universe, who let her get away with anything, married to a damned good shag who was under her thumb entirely. Yes, so familiar.

"I had an uncle who rapped me 4 years. He wuz an evil man, and not even relly my uncle. He wuz the broder of the preson who my mommaried when I wuz twelve, and he raped me for years only I did not tell anyone becuze I was sxcared since he said he wud kill my family. Then he gut run over by a truck, so he cud not rape me anymore so it was o.k.

"Wehn I terned eighteen, my mother died. She got the worst virux known to the entire universe, called the …"  
Jack's thoughts during Amber's rant, strayed into territory that involved Ianto, plasters, wellington boots, novelty rabbit ears and, if written, would require me to raise the rating of this fic. So sorry, you don't get to hear them.

"But then, on her death bead, she said to me that I had to avenge him, and …"

The Doctor, being a Time Lord was thinking of many different things, all at once. Part of him was missing Rose immensely, and wishing she were here. She would have know how to deal with the entire thing. Part of him was thinking about how badly he wanted another cup of tea. Part of him was wondering what Zaphod Beeblebrox was up to these days, as he was sure it had been decades since he'd seen him last. And well, you get the idea, not much happening there, really.

"and thet is how i got here." Ambrer finished.

"That's a very nice story," Ianto sighed, "Do you remember any of that, Jack?

"Hmm?" Jack said, blinking and looking a little dazed. He caught sight of Ianto and gave him a huge, toothy grin, before replying, "No, not a bit of it."

"Well, you can't both be telling the truth," Gwen said, giving Jack a reproachful glare.

"Gwen," Tosh entered the conversation, "You can't believe that Jack would abandon his own child."

"Did he?" The Doctor asked, "I had a bit of a hard time following, were you born when you father left, Amber?"

"Well I said that he left when i wuz a baby while my mom got pregnant with me," Ambre luna Sars'fire Noonbean said as if it where the most obvious thing in the world.

The Doctor gave her an odd look, "What planet did you say you were from?" he asked.

"Star'Fire" she answered.

"Really?" the doctor murmured. Jack glanced at him a moment, if the Doctor in this incarnation were being quiet and pensive, clearly something was going on. He hoped something to explain his supposed daughter.

"But that doesn't answer the question," Gwen continued, "Is Jack this girl's father?"

"of corse he iz! I told u he iz!" Amber Luba Stat'Frie Moonbead cried.

"I tend to agree with Jack," Ianto said.

"Oh, of course you do," Owen cut him of before he could continue, "You always agree with Jack, don't you, teaboy?"

"Owen," Ianto muttered warningly. Today really wasn't the day to pull something like that.

"Owen," Tosh cut in, "do you _disagree_ with Jack?"

"I don't agree or disagree. It wouldn't surprise me, either way, so I'm going to go ahead and take some DNA from Amber and run a paternity test," Owen answered.

Amber, who was currently sniffling again, perked up at that. "U r going 2 prove he iz my dad?" she asked.

"Maybe," Owen answered, leading her away.

"Doctor," Jack asked, as Owen lead her out of sight, "I know you wouldn't bring anything … dangerous here, but why exactly _did_ you bring Amber to the Hub?"

Before the Doctor could reply, there was a sudden, horrible crash, followed by a loud shout.

"What the fuck?" cried a very confused John Hart, who had appeared from thin air in the centre of the Hub, holding a spatula and wearing nothing but some white, frilly lace knickers.


End file.
